


Toothpaste

by SassyFanGirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anger, Broken Bones, Depressed Dan Howell, Depressed Phil Lester, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Regret, Revelations, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-09-06 12:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16832374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFanGirl/pseuds/SassyFanGirl
Summary: After getting into a fight, Dan gets hurt. They will have to work through their problems whether they like it or not.AKA-Phil is dumb, then Dan is dumb. Phil then has to take care of a depressed and, literally, broken Dan.Not good at summaries. It's better than you think... I hope.





	1. The Argument

**Author's Note:**

> Got original idea for this from the following fanfic: "Let me help you - Phan" By awesomesockes here on AO3.  
> I loved the idea of this and decided to put my own depressed spin on the situation and make it longer than the encyclopedia.

Phil sat outside his best friend’s door. He hated knowing how much things affected Dan. He hated being understanding, and sometimes he hated being nice. Sometimes he wanted to be able to be mad. But he can’t. And even that made him mad sometimes. But as it is, here he sat. Head against the door, listening to his friends breathe heavy while trying to quiet his cries while a quiet tear of his own falls down his cheek.

The night started out as any other. Dan was in another down moment. Over analyzing and self hating. Going through all the comments and only pulling out the truly heinous ones. The ones that even made Phil upset, but he always got distracted by the hundreds of others that were so positive. Rather than reading in peace, Dan had decided to read them out loud to Phil, who had had enough at this point. He was tired and didn’t want Dan dragging him down. It was hard enough to function normally already, he didn’t need Dan’s help making his own negative thoughts get worse. 

Phil was very quiet with the public and even those near him. He had only talked to Dan a little bit about the things that keep him up at night. Dan’s problem always seemed more important that he felt bad saying anything about himself. _I know you are dealing with your past and busy contemplating the point of existence and wondering what role you play in everything, but do you mind keeping my mind occupied so I can forget how sad I feel?_ Phil would never. It was only when Dan had been in a better place, mentally, and Phil was the one sad for no reason that they actually had a detailed conversation about mental health and their own experiences. 

Dan had opened up about his bullying that he had only joked about in the past. Phil had opened up to his past as well. Dan opened up to his home environment, Phil opened up about losing his best friend at university. They realized that they understood the other so much more after that night. Phil now understood all the over analyzing that Dan does and Dan understood why Phil felt the need to be cheerful so consistently. Although, both had been holding something back. Both recognized the hesitation in the other, but decided that when they were ready they would open up further. Little did they know they were hiding the same thing. Each slightly different, but the same situation nonetheless. Neither boy wanted to be pushed, so they would never push the other. Rather, they sat in comfortable silence in front of their fire. Dan continued to be quiet for a few days after that. Phil decided it was his job to be over the top cheerful and has continued to do so… until tonight. 

“Oh and listen to this one, Phil. _when will these two either fuck or kill themselves? Literally that’s why everyone is here._ What is wrong with people that they say things like -”

“Dan!” Phil yelled, finally at his wits end. “Will you get the fuck over it or stop reading comments?” 

Dan ducked his head slightly, but didn’t want to cause any problems with Phil. “Oi, sorry for reading out what the people are saying Phil.”

“People? What people Dan?” Phil stomped over and yanked Dan’s computer out of his lap. “I see one asshole saying those things. Literally nothing else.” Right now would have been a great time to lower his voice and become nurturing and reassuring for Dan. However, Phil had reached the point of no return with his anger. He couldn’t stop himself from getting louder and more angry. “You are just focusing on the negatives to validate your own feelings for how shit you feel.” He stated harshly as he shut Dan’s laptop shut. 

“What?” Dan asked trying to process the meaning of what Phil had just said.

 _”What_ , you know exactly what. You do this every time. You ignore all the positives and only focus on the negatives.” Phil said over his shoulder as he poured himself a drink. “Everyone doesn’t think negatively. You do. Everyone doesn’t agree with that one single negative comment, Dan.” Phil said attempting to reason.

Dan hated himself for it, but he couldn’t help the tears from pooling in his eyes. He refused to look up into the eyes of his best friend for fear of seeing the things that haunted him in his nightmares. The red eyes and hateful words. He knew he should probably try to diffuse the argument before he said something he’d regret. But he couldn’t help himself.

“What are you trying to say, Phil? That I want to kill myself and that’s why I focus on the assholes of the comment section?” Dan said, standing to be eye to eye with Phil. 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it, Dan.” Phil said harshly. “You are twisting my words now to fit your emotions.” 

Dan scrunched his eyebrows together. “What so my emotions are controlling how I see things are they?” 

Phil hated everything he was saying, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to talk. “No, of course not Dan. No your the definition of perfect mental health.” He muttered sarcastically rolling his head back and turning to walk away. Then stopped to look at the gray clump that was Dan. “When will you get over yourself and realize it’s not that bad being you?” Phil started to walk back to Dan who had turned his back. “Look at your life! People would kill to have what we have.” Phil said as if it would fix everything he had said wrong.

Dan had been squinting his eyes shut. Waiting for himself to wake up. This can’t be happening. Phil can’t be saying these things. He was pressing his fingers on his forehead with his shoulders held tight. Phil wanted to make him relax and enjoy the life he was given. He didn’t want to say, “I’m sorry, Dan. It’s just really exhausting having to be cheerful enough for the both of us.” He winced as he spoke, knowing that wasn’t the best thing to say. 

Dan’s shoulders fell and he released his head. The apology. His nightmare Phil never apologized. He wasn’t dreaming. Real Phil had said these things.

They stood in complete silence. Phil too scared to speak. Dan trying to pull himself together before attempting it. Phil wanted to lighten the mood, do something. Instead he stood there dumbly waiting on his broken friend to speak. Dan nodded his head slightly as he turned. Phil felt like he had been punched in the gut. “Your right, Phil. “ He said barely above a whisper. Too scared his voice would fail him if he tried to speak louder. 

“Dan, no I didn’t mea-” Phil started, stepping forward. Dan retracted back as if Phile were fire. 

“Yes you did.” He said quickly cutting Phil off. “Things said in anger often reflect the inner thoughts, simply without filters.” Dan stated quietly. Dan’s face was impossible to read. Gone was the fear, the pain, and anger. In its place was… nothing. Phil couldn’t find a single emotion. If it weren’t for the tears frying on Dan’s face, Phil would have thought he was completely unaffected by the argument they were having. Phil hated everything about the way Dan looked right now.This was not the person he knew. He had never seen Dan this spaced out, _this_ was not ok. Phil could see that. And it terrified him. 

“Dan, no - “ Phil tried.

Dan simply held up a hand and Phil’s voice caught in his throat. Dan had control of this situation and Phil could only watch as a stranger walked in his best friends body. “I’m sorry, Phil.” _No no no, this is not what he had wanted. Not like this._ “I need to stop being so…” Dan laughed awkwardly and soft “so me. I guess.” Phil opened his mouth to tell Dan how much he regretted what he had said. But Dan started to walk past him and he was frozen. 

Finally it hit Phil that he HAD to stop Dan. Had to make sure that he knew he didn’t mean what he had said, “Dan - wait. I’m sorry!” He chased after him. Dan had just reached his room when Phil had grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. “You know I didn’t mean anything that I said right?” Phil said softly, hand still on Dan’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, right yeah I know Phil. But, you know, toothpaste.” Dan hovered at his door, not pushing Phil off, but not turning around to face him.

Phil shook his head in confusion. “NO I don’t know. Tooth-what?” Dan shook his shoulder out of Phil’s hand and started to push his door open, Phil panicked. “Wait! Dan!” Phil yelled getting his hands back on Dan’s shirt and turning him around to face him. “Please,” he said softly. “Please talk to me.” Phil searched for the familiar brown eyes, but they refused to look up. 

“Phil.” Dan said, sounding void of emotion. “You won’t like what I have to say. I have to -” His voice failed him as it cracked. “I have to get over myself.” Dan’s empty eyes raised from the floor to look deep into Phil’s soul. “Right?” Dan wasn’t void any longer. There was so much in that look that is made Phil step back. Pure betrayal. Phil had done what he had promised he wouldn’t. He had fed into exactly what Dan had to put up with in school and at home growing up. 

Phil swallowed hard. “Please,” he said into tears. 

“Let go, Phil.” Dan said, voice hard and cold. Phil let go as if he were holding ice. Phil hated this stranger. Hated what he had done. Hated everything about this moment. It took a few seconds for Phil to snap out of it. 

“I’m not leaving, Dan.” He said loud enough that Dan could hear without yelling. “Hear me? I’m not leaving this spot until we talk. For real.” Phil said. 

And there he stood for the first hour. For the second hour he paced. Dan remained enclosed in his room. He listened to the pacing as he went over the words Phil had spoken not too long before. He fought with his mind. THe nightmare Phil was morphing into the real one. Deep down, Dan knew that he could be infuriating to put up with. He knew how well Phil handled him. It wasn’t fair to constantly put all the pressure on Phil to keep him level. As soon as he’d start thinking these thoughts, nightmare Phil would return and continue the mental abuse of hatred filled words. Going on the third hour, Phil stopped in front of Dan’s door and right as he was about to knock and yell for him, he heard something that chilled his blood. Dan heard the footsteps fade away until there were none to hear. 

_See? He’s gone. Two hours. That’s how much time he’s willing to give you. That’s how much your life is worth to him. 2 whole goddamn hours that you made him waste._

“Stop it, stop it, stop it.” It was like a mantra Dan kept repeating. Quietly, softly into his empty room. Hands pressed firm against his ears trying to drown out the voice in his head. 

When he stopped repeating his mantra all that was left were sniffs. Coughs. Cries. Although muffled in a pillow, Phil could hear what he had done. And it broke him. He fell to the floor leaning against Dan’s door for support. Dan couldn’t hear through his own torment. So for the rest on the night. There he sat. Against Dan’s door, listening to the heartache he caused. Tears lining his face. _What kind of monster would do this?_ Phil thought as he listened to the fading sounds of his friend.


	2. The nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets tormented in his sleep, Phil is forced to watch what he has done to his friend. Dan can't tell dream from reality anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may get a bit twisted and hard to follow. The part between the ****'s are a flashback.

Dan lay on his bed, tossing and turning, attempting to get a bit of sleep. His dreams weren’t allowing him the pleasure of a restful night. They kept taunting him. Whispers turned to yells. Soft laughing turned maniacal. Red eyes turned blue.

“I know you aren’t him.” Dan muttered softly, head ducked under his covers. Sweat started to gather above his lip. He kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut. 

_”Oh but Danny,”_ Phil’s low voice crept through the whispers. _“We are the same thing now. Didn’t you hear me tonight?”_

“No no no no.” Dan repeated as Phil’s words from earlier poured over his mind.

 _”When will you get over yourself?”_ “No no… No” _”Get the fuck over it!”_ “No…” _“You’re definition of mental health.”_ Dan swallowed and slowly released the tension in his eyes, still keeping them shut. _“You are just focusing on the negatives to validate your own feelings for how shit you feel.”_ Dan’s eyes started to part as a hand came up to pull the sheets down away from his face exposing his tear marked face to the cold air. He started to shiver. He wanted to scream but he didn’t have control over his body. 

His eyes followed the ghostly pale hand as it pulled the sheet from his loose grasp. _”Don’t you see how bad it is being you?”_ the low Phil voice stated, silencing the other voices. Creeping over the bed, Dan met eyes with the red-eyed Phil. The one who tormented Dan’s nights and made him feel entirely alone. Dan felt the tears pool but tried to fight back control. Tried to have hope, because deep down he knew. He knew that _his_ Phil doesn’t realy think this way. He doesn’t. He can’t. As long as he focused on the red. That’s all he had to do. Focus on the red.

*************************************************************************************************************  
_So you dream of,what, a_ demon _me?” Phil tried to hide his smile in his pizza._

_“Yeah, what of it?” Dan said throwing a pepperoni at him. “It’s not like I can control it you oaf.”_

_“Ok ok, I’m sorry!” Phil laughed, plotting the pepperoni into his mouth. Dan glared at him. “I know, we said no judgement, I’m sorry.” Phil said a bit more serious._

_“Sure you are.” Dan huffed, keeping things light he moved on quickly. “But yeah, all the shit I think about all day, you - he - repeats it all.”_

_Phil nodded, processing the information. “And it looks just like me?” He gestured to his body, lingering over his bottom half a bit too long._

_“I don’t know! Geeze Phil.” Dan put on his disgusted face, but maintained a small smile watching Phil turn bright red. He knew he didn’t mean anything by it. “Look,” Dan picked back up, “I’m honestly not sure. I get frozen looking into the red demon eyes.” He said slightly more annoyed than he meant, avoiding Phil’s eyes._

_“Ah-ha! Then that’s how you’ll know it isn’t me!” Phil said triumphantly. Dna looked at him with pierced brows and confusion all over his face. Phil rolled his eyes. “Are my eyes red right now?” Phil said putting down his pizza and leaning in closer to Dan to show off his bright blue eyes._

_Dan followed Phil’s movements and put down his own pizza. “No…” He said hesitantly, waiting for Phil to make a joke._

_“Alright then. Focus on it’s eyes then. If you stare at those red eyes, you should feel the anxiety drain from you. As long as those eyes stay red, you’ll know that it isn’t me, alright? Blue eyed me would never hurt you with words, not like that. Got it?” Phil said sincerely._

_Dan swallowed the lump building in his throat. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah, you’re right. I hadn’t thought of that before.” He muttered again._

_“Well that’s because you aren’t that bright, now are ya Danny boy?” Phil leaned back and picked his pizza back up._

__

_“Focus on the red.” Dan said to himself, trying to carve it into his memory._  
*************************************************************************************************************  
Focus on the red. Dan thought as he stared at the nightmare Phil who was now standing tall looking down at the frozen Dan. Eyes like coals staring down in amusement.

 _”What is it?”_ Nightmare Phil asked with mock-sincerity. Dan’s eyes were filled with fear and panic as the red started to fade. _”You look like you’re about to explode!”_ Dan’s body started to shake as he watched, helplessly, as the blue eyes he knows so well drifted into view. 

_Why don’t you, then? eh?”_ Phil growled as he started to move closer towards Dan’s face. _“Go on then! Scream! Yell! Come on!”_ He started yelling at Dan, mere inches away from his face. Dan almost gagged at the horrid scent that came off of Phil. He couldn’t look away, couldn’t do anything but stare and push further away from Phil until he hit the floor. Then it hit him, everything hit him all at once. And he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t remember what was real and what wasn’t. There was no red. He couldn’t find the red. And he screamed. He yelled until he couldn’t distinguish between yelling and crying. He pulled his limbs as close to himself as possible as he tried to get as far away from Phil as possible. 

_DAN!?_ Phil yelled, slamming his fists on the floor. *BANG* *BANG*Each time his hands met the floor Dan felt it through his body. Phil twisted his head and laughed loudly. *BANG* Phil grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed so his back was flush against the wall and then placed one hand on Dan’s chest to hold him in place. Dan couldn’t help but stare into the cold eyes he knew so well. *BANG* Phil’s hand smacked against the wall, Dan could feel the wind off his hand. _”What’s wrong, Dan?”_ *BANG* *BANG* Dan was shaking at this point. He wanted to be sick. _DAN!”_ *BANG* _”Dan!”_ *BANG* *BANG*

“STOP IT! Just stop it!” Dan yelled as he sat up in his bed, hands wrapped in his hair as he tried to force his breathing to calm down. He looked around his room dreadfully as the banging continued. He couldn’t find either Phil, but he could hear it plain as day. 

“Dan!” Phil yelled from the other side of the door. “Dan wake up! Come on! Open the door! Dan!” Dan erupted into a million tears and he laid back down in his bed, facing away from his door. 

“No no no no,” Dan whimpered, “this can’t be happening, no. This can’t. No no…” 

Dan couldn’t quite get a hold of himself. Every time he thought he was calming down panic and fear drove him up the wall once more. It was a long night of tossing and turning. He wouldn’t allow himself to close his eyes longer than a few seconds for fear of either Phil coming back to torment him. 

Phil, outside Dan’s door, wasn’t that much better off. He had drifted off to sleep against his will because Dan had been quiet long enough to allow it. Phil could hear his own voice echoing through his mind. He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t see anything. He waived his hands in front of him, but he couldn’t see anything. He stretched out his hands searching for something to hold on to. Suddenly, everything turned red. Phil turned in circles looking for something familiar. 

_”Oh but Danny,”_ Phil heard a deep voice say, _“we are the same thing now. Didn’t you hear me tonight?”_ What, was that his voice? Phil looked harder with confusion all over his face. It sounded like a bad impression of his voice. Too low to really be his. 

_“No no no no.”_ Dan! That was Dan’s voice for sure! 

“Dan!” Phil yelled, “Dan, where are you!” 

Then all at once Phil heard his own voice mixed with Dan’s. Replaying the nights conversation. _”When will you get over yourself?”_ “No no… No” _”Get the fuck over it!”_ “No…” _“You’re definition of mental health.”_ Phil hated hearing it all back _“You are just focusing on the negatives to validate your own feelings for how shit you feel.”_ Phil tried to cover his ears from the noise that was surrounding him. 

Even though his eyes were closed, he could feel light on his face. _”Don’t you see how bad it is being you?”_ the low Phil voice stated, silencing the other voices. Phil opened his eyes to see Dan laying in his bed staring in pure horror up at him. As if it were being played on a screen, Phil had no control over what he was seeing. If he turned his head, the screen followed him. There was no avoiding, no hiding from what he had done to his friend. 

“Oh god, no, Dan! That’s not me!” Phil yelled trying to run to him, but as far as he ran he never got closer. 

_”What is it?”_ Phil heard in his own voice. Dan’s eyes were filled with fear and panic, Phil wanted to reach out and comfort him. _”You look like you’re about to explode!”_ Suddenly the red started to fade away. Phil tried to look for the reason or the cause. 

_Why don’t you, then? eh?”_ Phil’s low voice boomed as Dan’s face started to move closer. _“Go on then! Scream! Yell! Come on!”_ Phil started to scream, trying, begging for Dan to realize it wasn’t him doing this. He fell to his knees staring at Dan’s face twisted in pain and sadness. 

Suddenly, Phil was ripped from his nightmare at the sound of Dan screaming. Real Dan, Phil would have been relieved if the sound wasn’t so disturbing. 

“DAN!?” Phil yelled, quickly getting to his feet and started banging on the door. “Come on Dan!” “Dan! Wake up! Come on, Dan!” Nothing was working, he tried to twist the door handle, but it didn’t move. ”What’s wrong, Dan? DAN! Dan!” 

“STOP IT! Just stop it!” Phil heard Dan yell, freezing him in place for a moment. 

“Dan! Are you ok?” Phil stated a little quieter from the other side of the door. “Dan! Come on! Open the door! Dan!” Phil heard Dan start to cry once again, this time he could tell he was crying into a pillow. He was awake. Even though he had been beyond terrified, he still didn’t want to talk to Phil. 

“No no no no,” He heard Dan mutter, “this can’t be happening, no. This can’t. No no…” Phil tried one more time. /p>

“Dan please, I hate this. Please talk to me.” Phil said as tears clouded his vision again. 

Nothing came. No footsteps, no muffled cries. Nothing. Dan lay on his side, staring at the wall. Mind blank, emotions gone. He had run out of tears. He had nothing left but a headache from the ordeal. Time had no meaning. Phil waited outside his door. Eventually finding a spot on the floor once again. 

It was Dan’s turn to listen to Phil, even though the noise did nothing to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sure hope this is easy to follow... I couldn't stop writing once I got this idea, but lordy I hope you are able to follow it! Let me know if it's too difficult and I'll try to work on it a bit more.


	3. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan hears something that makes him worried and falls while trying to get to Phil. Can Dan get over his anger an let Phil help him?

Dan lay in bed listening to Phil slowly stop crying and fall asleep. If he had actually been hearing he would have felt guilty. But he didn’t. He didn’t hear anything, didn’t see anything, didn’t _feel_ anything. He simply laid there as time unknowingly slipped away. How long had he been laying there? How long had he been sleeping? Dan opened his heavy eyes and stared at the grey ceiling. It seemed like forever and only a minute had gone by. 

Dan didn’t need to look out the window to know it was another bleek London day. Grey and misty, as if his emotions were being poured on the careless city beneath him. Lately, he’d hop out of bed, eager to watch anime with Phil. They had just started this routine of waiting for each other before starting their shows, and Dan was always excited when he was the one the greet Phil rather than the other way around. Made him feel better somehow. When was the last time he was this bad? It had been a while. Usually, when he was starting to get rough, Phil would notice and quickly solve the problem with company and kind words. 

Today? He didn’t know why he ever enjoyed that. Nothing seemed interesting to him. He continued to lay there, staring at nothing. His mind kept replaying the nightmare of his dreams and now his reality. No more could he contain his thoughts and emotions. He felt the tears coming up in his eyes and he didn’t try to stop their stream. It wasn’t like an active cry that caused headaches. Rather, like someone left the faucet barely on. No rush of tears came, just a steady drip… drip… drip on his pillow. He hated this. Hated everything. 

Meanwhile, Phil laid on the ground outside. His mind woke before his body could fully operate. Squinting his eyes he tried to reach for his eyes to wipe the nights events out, but he couldn’t move. It felt like someone was holding him down. He knew what was happening, sleep paralysis. It’s happened before, but not for almost ten years. And knowing what was happening didn’t prevent him from freaking out. He tried to force his hand to move, but nothing happened. Quiet muffled fell from his mouth. The longer he struggled to wake his body up the louder they became. Soon enough, tears were falling and he was screaming with his mouth shut. His head felt like exploding with the immense pressure. It was terrifying. It felt like he would be stuck like this forever. He kept waiting to wake up, hoping it was a nightmare, but it never came. 

Dan turned his head toward the noise. It was like someone had turned a light on in front of his eyes. What was that noise? It sounded far away, yet close. It was haunting. Chilled Dan to his bones. It sounded so familiar. Finally, when the sound got to its loudest, Dan was imagining the worst. He started seeing Phil laying on the bathroom floor bleeding from falling. Or Phil on the kitchen floor bleeding out from an intruder. One final noise sent him running after the door, no matter what anger he felt, nothing would compare to ignoring this moment if Phil was in danger. 

Dan hopped out out of bed and ran towards the door and flung the door open and started to run towards the kitchen. He didn’t get very far though. Not a second after he opened the door did he go falling down to the floor tripping over the person he was looking for. Phil grunted at the pain from his stomach from Dan’s foot. Dan yelped in surprise as he toppled over Phil and went to catch himself and failed. Phil curled in on himself, thankful to be able to move again, and let his tears continue to fall out of residual fear. He was snapped out of it though as he heard Dan scream out in pain. His eyes snapped over to Dan who was on his back, knees pulled in, holding his hands to his chest. 

“Ow you fuckinnnnnnn..” Dan hollered, rolling on his back trying to channel the pain. “You mother fuuuuuck… Shit! What the HELL were you _doing_?”

“Dan! Oh my gosh! Are you ok?” Phil asked, over top of Dan’s yelling, wiping the tears from his face. 

Dan glared at him. “Am I alright? NO! I’m NOT!” Dan looked up at Phil and noticed the teary complexion. “WHY the HELL are _you_ crying right now anyway? What was that noise? It sounded like you were fucking dying, you look _pretty_ damn fine to me!” Dan continued to make small grunts while holding his wrists to his chest tightly. 

Phil quickly tried to explain himself “I was just -” Phil was interrupted by another grunt of pain from Dan. He shook his head instead, “It doesn’t matter what I was doing, are you ok?” Phil asked wanting to reach out and comfort the boy, but didn’t quite know where they stood. 

“Nnnnooooo I’m _not_ alright!” Dan yelled out. His wrists felt like they were both on fire. His ankle didn’t feel great wither, but it paled in comparison from his wrists. He tried to loosen his grip on his wrists, but when he did it was like a flood of pain was being released. 

Phil looked Dan up and down and noticed him holding his wrists but also noticed his ankle was bright red and swelling as well. He reached out to inspect what he figured was a sprained ankle, but Dan flinched and went to kick at Phil, “Don’t you _touch_ me!” Dan yelled. 

Phil looked him square in the eye. “Look. I get it ok. You’re pissed. You have every right to be-”

“Damn right I do -” Dan interrupted. 

“Shut up for a minute, Dan. I’m not talking about last night. I’m talking about right now.” Phil said sternly. Dan kept his cold glare on the ceiling and tears fell out of pain. “You are hurt.” Dan rolled his eyes. _In multiple different ways, all thanks to you._ Dan thought. “Now, let me help you. What do you need me to do?”

“I _need_ you to leave me the HELL alone, Phil.” Dan said, more calm than he felt. 

Phil let the insult hit without showing, and stared at Dan until he relented. “Fine,” he said, slamming his head on the ground. “After tripping over _your_ fat ass,” it was Phil’s turn to roll his eyes, “I tried to catch myself and obviously hurt my wrists.” Dan said quickly and quietly. 

Phil scrunched his brows. “Alright, and your ankle?” Phil said, gesturing to Dan’s swelling right ankle. 

“What about it?” Dan asked annoyingly. 

“What about it?” Phil exclaimed, “It’s turning purple! It doesn’t hurt right now?”

Dan thought about it for a minute and actually detected a small amount of pain. “Shit.” he said quickly. “Yup, thanks for pointing that one out Phil.” He said sarcastically while letting out a heavy exhale. 

“Alright…” Phil said slowly. “So do you want me to call A&E or-” 

“NO!” Dan almost shrieked. Dant met eyes with a confused Phil. “No, I don’t want to ride in a loud truck while they busy over me for no goddamn reason. I’m fine. I just need to lie here.”

“Alright, no, that’s crazy. If I’m not calling A&E I’m calling a taxi to ride over. There’s no way I’m letting you lay here forever in pain.” Phil stated sternly. “Your decision. Taxi or A&E?”

Dan glared and Phil, who glared back. After a huff and a roll of the eyes, Dan relented. “Fine!” He said shrugging his shoulders, then whimpering in pain at his jostled wrists. “Call a freaking cab, your paying.” He mumbled. 

Phil nodded, excited to be able to do something productive. He quickly pulled out his phone and starting tapping away. 

Dan calmed down slightly and nodded. “Alright - when is the taxi getting here?” Phil checked his phone.

“About ten minutes.” Phil stated. Looking around, he slowly added, “We have a long way to go, Dan.” It had only just occurred to Phil that they not only have to get Dan _up_ but also down the stairs to the elevator and down to the ground floor. 

“Yeah, thanks. I _know_.” Dan sniffed and took a deep breath contemplating his options. He played out in his head everything. They all hurt. One slightly less than the others. He turned his head to look at Phil, who he only just noticed had already changed out of his pj’s and into black jeans and a fitted graphic tee. Dan gave him a once over, causing Phil to glance down to make sure it wasn’t inside out or something. Phil was just about to ask what was wrong when Dan finally spoke. “Phil, you’re gonna have to get me up.” 

Phil’s eyes shot open. It wasn’t like he was weak, but Dan was a big guy. He couldn’t imagine being able to easily get him up without hurting him. 

“Don’t worry, I know it’ll hurt.” Dan said. “You’ve gotta just get me on my left foot, then all I need is a little support and I can hobble fine. My left foot doesn’t hurt at all.” Dan said, half trying to convince himself. 

Phil pierced his lips and started to stand, reaching down for Dan’s shoulders. Slowly, he rolled Dan so he was sitting up. Then, placing his hands under his friend’s arm he said calmly, “Dan, you ready?”

“Let’s get it over with.” He said. 

And thus began the longest trip outside either of them can remember. 

“Shit!” Dan said as they got to the elevator. 

“What?” Phil wondered. 

“Look at us!” Dan said, motioning with his head. “We look like idiots. We aren’t even wearing shoes!”

Phil rolled his eyes and ran up the stairs and grabbed shoes and a jacket for Dan and put his shoes on with a hoodie over his nightshirt. He didn’t really care what they looked like right now.

Phil got back to Dan and then awkwardly held his stuff. “Dan, you can’t even put this stuff on.” Phil considered his options while Dan rolled his eyes, hating everything. “Look, ok. When we get in the Taxi you can put on you left shoe. You can’t put anything on your right, it’s too swollen.” Phil said with a matter-of-fact sound as he tossed Dan’s right shoe over his shoulder back into the apartment. “For now,” Phil said, draping Dan’s jacket around his shoulders, “this can just stay across your shoulders until they get some pain meds in ya.” Phil said straightening out his friends coat. 

Dan hated to admit it, but it made sense. Just then, Phil’s phone started buzzing. “Shit!” He exclaimed. “Cabs here. Come on, let’s go.”

It took about 10 minutes in London traffic to get to the nearest A&E where they signed in, rather Phil signed in Dan as he couldn’t use his hands. Next they waited and waited until they could be seen. Finally after about an hour, Dan was just about to say how it wasn’t hurting as bad anymore and request going back home when he finally heard his name be called.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts!! Would love any feedback at all.


	4. The Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, this chapter has a lot... I just couldn't stop writing! Heads up for some LIGHT references of the following:   
> scratching  
> OLD self harm scars  
> referencing past abuse
> 
> Again, these are only lightly referenced, but just putting it out there.

“Dan Howell?” a shrill voice pierced through the air. Phil, standing next to Dan nudged his shoulder. 

“Come on Dan, it’s your go.” Phil said, trying to lift the younger boy up out of the chair. Dan was in a daze and for some reason was terrified. “Dan! Let’s go!” Phil said louder, snapping Dan out of his daze. 

“Right, yeah, lay off.” Dan said annoyingly. The boys shuffled up to the nurse who held a clipboard and eyeing the two of them. 

“Alright, I assume you’re Dan, then.” The shrill nurse, whose name tag read _Susan_. “So who are you, then?”

“Ph-Phil.” He squeaked out. 

“And _what_ are you, hmm?” She asked, looking over the rim of her glasses. With the high number of people around, Phli figured she must get annoyed pretty early in the day putting up with everyone. 

“Wh- what am I?” Phil couldn’t figure out what _Susan_ meant by the question. 

With a roll of her eyes, Susan huffed out an explanation. “ _What_ are you, yed. Brother, boyfriend, husband…”

“Flatmate!” Dan almost yelled, interrupting Susan from her ranting. “Phil is my flatmate. Does it really matter?” Dan said quietly, almost ashamed to be so rude. Phil was hurt. He didn’t know _why_ he was hurt. But he was. He wasn’t used to people not knowing who, or what, he was. Rather who _they_ were. 

“Ahhhhl-righty then. Mr. Howell, Mr. Flatmate, through here.” Susan said in a slow mocking voice as she led them to a exam room. Phil couldn’t help but let his mind wander about why he felt hurt just moments ago.They were Dan and Phil. You couldn’t get one without the other. Although, according to the general public who weren’t their followers, that’s all they were. Flatmates. Flatmates and co-workers. Why not friend? Why didn’t Dan say friend? 

When they got to the room, Phil struggled to get the larger boy on the examination table without hurting him. After putting Dan down, Phil hesitated, then went to sit on the chair in the corner until Shrilly Susan stopped him. “Ah-ah Mr. flatmate, only _family_ during the exam. You can collect your friend when the doctor is finished.” She explained holding the door open until Phil stepped out of the door. He barely made eye contact with Dan before the white door was shut within an inch of his nose. 

Phil made his way to the waiting room, leaving Dan behind to explain the situation to the nurse and doctor, while he was left to wander what was being said and _why_ he felt so strange. He was worried. He didn’t know what the future held. Not for Dan, not for their relationship…. Friendship. Phil chewed on his lips while thinking over everything that had transpired over the past 48 hours. 

Dan has always been difficult to read, analyze, and understand. Phil had been doing so well with him, finally getting him to open up and trust someone. But his temper got the better of him. Then, his thoughts turned darker. What if he can’t convince Dan he didn’t mean his outburst? Phil’s heartbeat started to speed up. What if Dan will never open back up? What if he can’t get Dan to collab anymore? Phil’s breathing was heavy. What if Dan left YouTube because Phil couldn’t convince him he was great at it. What if Dan moved out? What if…. All of a sudden Phil couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t see straight. As if he only had one contact in and the lights were low. Getting sweaty, Phil removed his jacket to allow the cold waiting room air hit his skin which caused goose bumps. 

He stood up on shaky knees as his thoughts continued to spiral. The room spun around him as he tried to find the loo, a closet, outside, anywhere to get away and breathe. Faintly he heard an echoing voice around him, “Are you ok?” Until _finally_ he broke through a door and fell to the floor trying to force air into his lungs.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Dan sat explaining to Shrilly Susan what all was going on and answering 100 questions that became more and more annoying. After what felt like ages, the nurse got a wheelchair and loaded Dan into it so they could get x-rays completed. Dan was not exactly pleased when they had to get him out of his clothes and into an exam robe. He hated having his skin on display and secrets being exposed. 

One hour, and a bunch of humiliating tasks later, he was back in the exam room waiting on the doctor to tell him what wrong, and more importantly, fix him up. As he waited, he couldn’t help wondering about Phil. They had put his phone over with his clothes on a chair that he couldn’t possibly get to on his own. So rather than ignoring all the problem through the internet, he had to play everything out in his head. 

He almost felt guilty, knowing Phil was out in the waiting area without anyone with him. Phil hated being alone while surrounded by strangers. Then Dan rolled his eyes, still angry. He had his phone, surely he’ll be playing a game or on Tumblr. The pain in his wrists had gone down a bit. They had shot something into both wrists, so they were feeling better. He looked down to his ankle, it hurt a lot, but they didn’t do anything with it yet. He started playing out horrible scenarios in his head. What if he has to wear casts? What if he has to ask Phil for help. Dan wasn’t big on pride, but he could stand the thought at the moment since he was still upset with him. 

_Eventually_ he knew they would be fine. But, there will need to be some major ass kissing from Phil to make it up. And time. Lots of time so Dan can compartmentalize everything and accept Phil again as a confidant. They had been through a lot, and in comparison this really wasn’t that bad. Phil got upset, they both said things they shouldn’t have. In the end, he could never be ok with losing Phil. Dan stifled a laugh, maybe all he needed to snap out of a depressive state was a broken bone. 

After what felt like hours, but was closer to 45 minutes, a tall clean cut man in a white coat came into the room. “Hey there, Dan, I’m Dr. Wells, how are ya?” He said cheerfully in a practiced tone. 

Dan sat there and stared, _How do you think I am doing?”_ “Fine?” he said, attempting to shrink into a small version of himself. 

While flipping through paperwork on a clipboard, the doctor continued to speak. “I know, I know. How good could you be with your bones in pieces, eh?” Dan felt slightly relieved about the calm light air about the doc. Most of his interactions with doctors had been negative. They spoke down to him in a demeaning manner and ranted to him about how he chose to do things. This doctor seemed a little more… understanding? Normal? 

“So, you tripped and all this happened? By any chance, do you trip a lot?” The doc asked lightly while putting down the clipboard to look at and talk to Dan, smiling. 

“Um, I guess. But not like this?” Dan felt like he was trying to get an answer to a different question through this. 

“Ok, well there is a reason it feels a little more intense this time than any other tumble.” Dr. Wells picked up the clipboard and removed a folder. Wheeling over to the wall, he turned on a light and started to hang some x-rays. Dan’s heart started to race a bit. He’s sure to have a major existential crisis later about seeing his skeleton broken like that. _Video idea?_ But he had an idea of where things were going, and didn’t like it. 

“We rarely show you guys these before putting on casts, but I wanted to get a little more information from you first. Is that ok, Dan?” 

“Depends I guess on what you’re wanting to know.” Dan said. Surprising the doc with his kurtness, causing him to raise his eyebrows. Dan avoided all eye contact and reverted to staring at the floor. 

“I would like to know how many times you have broken things in the past.” The doc said, this time surprising Dan with his bluntness. 

Anger started to settle in Dan’s heart causing it to speed up. “ _I_ haven’t broken anything before I told the nurse already.” 

The doc nodded, and asked softer, “Dan, how many times has someone broken your wrists?” Tears immediately sparked in Dan’s eyes. _How?_ “Can I show you something, Dan?” the doc asked. Dan refused to look up from the ground. “I’m going to need verbal communication Dan.” The doc pressed. 

“Su- Sure.” Dan said, trying to sound tougher than he felt. 

Dr. Well then stood to remove his jacket. He unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled his left. Dan watched with increasing curiosity. Dr. Wells finished rolling up both sleeves and held his arms out. Dan was breathless. Littering Dr. Wells’ arms were circular burns that were faded, but very much still visible. Very faintly, Dan could see light white lines as well. Then, the doc bent him arm up to show his elbow. “This?” He pointed out about a 5-inch long scar that was very straight. “This was from the surgery they had to perform to fix the bone my dad broke.” He said calmly, lowering his arms. 

Dan stared at him with wide eyes, mouth opened, and a tear rolling down his cheek. “I get it. Shit sucks, right?” The doc said, sitting back down and crossing his arms. “I am not asking these questions or showing you this to scare you or intimidate you.” Dan tried to wipe his eyes with his shoulder. “Unlike a lot of people here who like to _preach_ , I understand a bit more.” Dr. Wells reached over to the sink and got some napkins. Getting closer to dan, he wiped off his patient’s face. Dan let him, barely understanding what was going on. 

“I’ve always said that experience is the best teacher.” Dr. Wells said. “There are plenty of people here who have way more book knowledge than me, yet I _understand_ things a little better.” Gesturing to the x-rays, “Those gave me all the information I needed. But I don’t want to fix you up to have you brake again, alright?” Dr. Wells said a little more sternly. 

Dan nodded, scared of speaking incase his voice was gone. “Alright, now I’m going to get what I need to start working on some casts, will you be alright on you own for a few minutes?” Dan nodded again. Standing and putting his coat back on, the doc continued. “Alright, Dan I’ll be right back.” Dr. Wells said before disappearing for a matter of a minute before stolling back in, with a cart this time. 

“Ok. Now, can we talk?” Dan stared at the doc with fear. “Don’t worry,” Dr. Wells said, removing his badge from his hip, “this is completely off the record and just for my well being.” Dan looked the doc in the eyes and felt calm. So as he started working on his wrists, Dan nodded. “Thank you, Dan. Now, spill.” 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phil, fell to his knees and then supported himself with his left hand, his right came to his mouth trying to quiet his sounds as he choked through tears that blinded him. Not that he’d be able to see with clear eyes anyway. His chest felt like it was going to explode as he tried and tried to get air to his lungs. Fear sank in as his head started to throb. He fell onto his butt and pushed with his legs until he felt something against his back. He kept trying to push, trying to get away, trying to get free of this pain and fear. He brought his hands to his hair and pulled on his hair. 

“Stop it!” He yelled at himself. He knew how to stop this, why can’t he do it. He tried to focus on the list of things to help calm him down, but nothing was working. He reverted to old ways and ran his nails against his arms - just enough to leave swollen lines. _Please, please…_ Phil kept going through the list. He couldn’t deepen his breaths, he kept his eyes shut to prevent the nausea - so he couldn’t focus on anything, and a happy place? What the hell is that? Everything he thought of involved Dan which made each breath shorter than the last. 

Everything he did made things worse, and after thirty minutes of struggling, Phil started losing feeling in his hands. He knew what was next and fear expanded to cover every inch of him. “No….No no _no_ ” Phil begged between gasps. As his body went limp, the last thing he thought of was Dan looking for him in the waiting room and not being able to find him. _Dan_. 

The next thing he knew, he was laying down. Bright lights caused him to squint, he tried to bring his right arm up to block the light, but pain shot through him. “Ah!” looking down, he was connected to an IV. “Well good mornin’ Mr. Flatmate. You really couldn’t handle being alone, eh?” The nurses shrill voiced pierced through Phil’s ears causing his lingering headache to pound in his ears. “It’s alright. Someone found ya in the women’s room. Gave a girl a right fright, you did.” She explained while flipping through papers on a clipboard. “So, what happened?” She asked a little more seriously now. 

“Um- just a panic attack or something.” Phil said nonchalantly, trying to sit up. 

“Oh, _just_ a panic attack or _something_?” The nurse asked while reading some numbers off the machine hooked up to Phil’s finger. “Well, looks a bit more serious than that, I mean you are hooked up to things, yeah?” Phil shrugged. “This must happen a lot?” Susan asked, scribbling something onto the clipboard. 

“No-” Phil started, then with a raise of Susan’s eyebrows got scared into explaining further. “Used to. Years back, they were pretty regular, once a week something like this would happen. But I only ever went into hospital once every few months for it.”

“Yeah, alright. So, what do you think caused this one now, if it really has been so long since your last attack?” The nurse asked sincerely. 

“I dunno... “ Phil said, not convincing himself. “Just, a lot going on I guess.” 

Then, Susan walked around and started taking things off of Phil. “Alright, Mr. Flatmate, we put some saline in ya and let you rest, but you are more than welcome to go if you feel alright.”

“Re-really? I don’t have to file any paperwork?” Phil asked, excitedly. He _really_ didn’t want Dan to know about any of this. 

“Let’s just keep that between us, eh?” Susan said quietly with a wink. “As long as you promise me to stop doing _that_ to your arms, yeah?” She motioned to the scratch marks he had done. He didn’t even remember doing that. Self-consciously, Phil went to cover his arms, wondering where his jacket ended up, and nodded. 

Phil smiled genuinely and started to get up. “What about Dan? How long have I been here? Is he done?” Phil stopped when Susan raised her hand.

“Re-lax. You don’t want to get another attack _or something_.” She said trying to lighten the mood. “Dan is finishing up with Dr. Wells. He’s been working on him for about two hours now. You’ve been in here for about 45 minutes.” She said. Then she seemed to pause. “It’s not my place, right? And if you were to tell _anyone_ that I said this you are dead, yeah?” She said sternly receiving a quick nod from Phil. “Anytime Dr. Wells gets involved there’s always something more going on.” She said softly. “I know that you and Dan are just flatmates, but considering everything, extra caring is going to be needed, ok Phil?”

Phil didn’t hear passed _something more going on_. What could be going on that’s bigger than a broken bone? “Wha- wait what do you mean something more?” He tried. 

“Nope! That’s all you’re getting out of me. Just - be nice to your friend, yeah?” She said walking out of the room and standing in the hall motioning for him to follow her back to the waiting room. Phil walked slowly with the nurse and right before she walked away, went to shake her hand. “Thank you, thank you so much for everything.” Phil said. Nurse Susan smiled and with a single nod disappeared behind the door, leaving Phil once more in the waiting room. 

Phil looked around and spotted his jacket laying in a chair. Quickly, he pulled it on, feeling instantly better and sat in the chair. He looked for his phone and started to immediately distract himself with a game as he waiting for Dan to come out. He could not think about what Susan had said… not until they were both back at the flat. 

After another 45 minutes, Phil heard Dan’s laugh and stood up quickly looking for his friend. What on earth could he be laughing at? Then, he spotted him, getting pushed by a tall, clean-cut doctor who was laughing along with him. Dan looked around and pointed at Phil. Then the doc started to wheel him towards Phil. Phil felt a similar effect as a bowling ball landing on his stomach. Why were they laughing? How did he get Dan to laugh? What was going on? When Phil’s eyes fell on Dan he could only see the dark casts around his wrists, and the bulky black boot on his leg. He felt so much guilt at seeing his Dan like this.

When they got to Phil the doctor stopped Dan short and walked around the chair holding out his hand. “Hiya, Philip. I’m Dr. Wells how are you?” 

Phil awkwardly took the hand and shook saying, “I’m fine, thank you.”

“I bet you’re doing better than Dan here.” He said, causing Dan to erupt in laughter once again. Phil tried to force a smile, but couldn’t help his face from looking completely confused. Then, the doc pulled Phil a little further away and turned his back to Dan. “So, I need to explain a few things to you. First of all, we had to give him some pretty strong pain meds.” Perfect timing as Dan burst out into another fit of laughing. Dr. Wells turned to look at him and smiled. “As I’m sure you can tell.” Phil smiled slightly, glad at know the reason behind the laughing. 

For the next ten minutes or so, Phil listened to the doc go through the list of things he would need to help Dan with or make sure he does. Timing of medications and what to eat when with what medication. “Here is a copy of everything I just said, but with bigger words.” The doc said, handing over some papers. “Last thing before you go,” Dr. Wells lowered his voice causing Phil to lean forward a little. 

Dan noticed this, and even in his drug laced mind didn’t like how it looked. “Hey! What you guys talking about?” He said loudly. Phil looked up at the doc with wide eyes and nodded sternly. Dan watched Phil as he fished out his phone and the doc walked up. “Alright, Dan well it’s been a pleasure putting you back together. I will see you in a few weeks to check in and make sure things are going along as planned, alright?” He said, patting him on the shoulder. “Phil! This chair is checked out in Dan’s name, so hold onto it until your next visit.” 

Phil walked over and nodded his head. “Yeah, that’s great. Thank you so much!” Even though it won’t help with their apartment of stairs awaiting them. Phil avoided looking at Dan and kept an eye on his cell phone, “So a cab will be here in a couple minutes.” Glancing down at Dan to look at his casts he asked, “How are you feeling? How did it go?” Dan said nothing in response. He merely looked down at his wrists and bit at the inside of his cheeks. The strange silence was off putting. Dan had been so lighthearted and silly just moments ago, and now? Nothing. Phil looked at Dan’s face and noticed his eyes being a little full, as if tears were going to pour at any moment. 

“Dan? Are you hurting? What’s wrong? When was the last pain pill-” Phil was interrupted by his phone going off. “Cab’s here. Dan, answer me, are you ok?” When Phil next tooked at Dan the tears were nowhere to be found.

“Let’s go, Philly! Let’s go hoooomee!” Dan said, reverting to his goofy self. Phil rolled his eyes and started to push the wheelchair out to the cab waiting for them on the curb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I know what all I want to happen and how to finish this piece, just debating on ways to get there and how long I want it to be. So the more feedback I get the better :)
> 
> Have a wonderful day! :)


	5. First Night Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things only get worse once they get home...

After an excruciating 45 minutes of traffic and awkward cabby talk, they finally arrived back at their flat. Neither were particularly excited to be there, but neither wanted to stay in the cab either. Phil paid the driver, tipped extra due to the fumbling he knew was about to happen then hopped out of the cab and went to help Dan out. 

It took much longer than it should have, but what do you expect out of two socially awkward guys who are angry with each other but are forced to stay attached? _Finally_ they were on their way up in the elevator to their flat. Dan was abnormally quiet and was scared to speak. 

Dan’s eyes were glued to the elevator numbers changing, but his mind was everywhere and nowhere. The painkillers were messing with his mind. He didn’t want to talk, but he felt content to sit. When the elevator opened, fear settled in Phil’s gut. The stairs. He hadn’t thought about the stairs. How _the hell_ is he supposed to get a drugged up, pissed off Dan up the million stairs? 

Dan hadn’t noticed that the elevator door had opened, so Phil took it upon himself to wheel him into the landing. Dan’s mind was hazy as Phil grabs at him and pulls/carries/yanks him up the stairs. After a lot of effort on Phil’s part, they had made it up the stairs. Dan was safely back in the chair, and Phil started to wheel him towards the common room, then second guessed himself and hesitated. 

“Erm, Dan?” Phil asked. After a couple minutes, Dan hadn’t responded. “Dan!” 

“Hmm?” Dan barely used his voice for the noise. 

“Where would you like to go?” Phil kept it civil. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He knew that he had already done plenty of that. 

“Mmmhmm” Dan grumbled. Phil allowed a light smile in spite of the situation. He knew that Dan needed to eat something, so he made the executive decision to put Dan in the common room while he made a plain meal of buttered toast. Phil stopped the chair in front of the TV and put on a recent anime that they had finished and got to heating the toast. 

Dan’s mind was still whirling and he was loving the ride. There was nothing negative, only flying colors and a weightless feeling he had never experienced. He can’t remember the last time he felt like this. Felt _good_. If he could compare it to anything it would be a ferris wheel, but even then, he was always nervous or uncomfortable in his own skin that he could never be comfortable enough to truly enjoy everything. 

Now? His mind was numb. He could enjoy anything and everything. It was overwhelming how little he cared about things. There was a shadow though in his vision. Something even his sideways mind wanted to avoid. He didn’t question it, just allowed his mind to avoid it. The shadow would move around and make noises, but overall other things were more important that that. At some point he realized something smelled amazing. The most amazing thing he had ever smelled before and he wanted it so bad. He finally spotted the plate of toast, but it was surrounded by the shadow. He stared at it like he was debating starving instead of reaching towards the shadow. Then, the plate moved towards him and Dan tried to scoot away, but the chair was locked and he couldn’t. Suddenly, everything relaxed as the plate was sat on his lap and the shadow backed away slowly. 

Phil stared at the weirdly vacant Dan. He couldn’t find a single emotion on there. He had placed the food in Dan’s lap, but Dan just sat there, staring at nothing. Phil gave up watching him and went to sit on the couch next to him and let his own mind wander. He thought back to what the crazy nurse had said about Dan’s doctor. About how there was _”always something more when he got involved.”_ Then the words the doctor told him echoed in his mind. He didn’t want to put everything together. Not yet. He didn’t want to admit that he was way over his head. He could barely keep himself alive, let alone another person. He didn’t even trust himself with a dog! Look at his plants! 

The alternative though… He could not face it. He couldn’t survive without… Even his subconscious couldn’t say it. It could replay though, like it was currently. That one sentence. Over and over. _”You need to be careful with these. Someone in his condition will want to be addicted very quickly. This doesn’t just numb the body, it numbs the mind as well. If you don’t keep a close eye, this will not be the last time Dan comes in here. Read the instructions. Carefully.”_

Phil got up and to retrieve the instructions that the doctor had told him to read _carefully_. His hands shook as he reached out for the papers. So flimsy. How could they scare him so much? It was just paper! He would destroy it. Burn it, rip it apart… His strength over the paper was nothing compared to the power this paper held over Phil. Phil gripped the paper tighter and tighter until he could barely feel it in his grasp.

_“...This will not be the last time Dan comes in here.” “There’s always something more.” “ This will not be the last time… If you don’t keep a close eye… this won’t be the last time… If you don’t” “something more…”_

Dan grew more and more aware of his surroundings the longer he sat. He hated it. Hated knowing that his relief was fading away. The pain was returning. His mind was awakening. His squeezed his eyes to avoid truly seeing the world. He didn’t want to deal with it. Not yet, at least. Could he not live in the shadows just a bit longer? Why did light have to return? His wrists started to yell at him, as did his legs. 

With the lack of control over his body and mind, he couldn’t control the trail his thoughts were on. Couldn’t stop the tears that fell on his face. _”What is wrong with you, boy?”_ a dark voice growled in the back of Dan’s mind. “I’m sorry.. I’m sorry..” Dan barely whispered. _”Why are you so clumsy?_ The voice continued to growl. Dan held his arms closer to his body, ”Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” How Dan longed for the fuzzy shadows he was just in. He’d take anything over this blinding middle land of painful memories. _”Maybe you’ll learn your listen after this!”_

Phil’s eyes couldn’t focus on anything. The voices kept whirling around his mind and he couldn’t focus. All he could think about was how if he didn’t fix Dan correctly he could lose him. His heart raced until he couldn’t feel his hands. His knees gave out and he fell to the floor. He threw the paper far from him as if it had burnt his skin. He pushed himself back until he felt the cool wall against his back. Gripping his chest, he tried to get a hold of his breathing. 

But he couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t focus on anything. He couldn’t count, couldn’t focus. Sweat started beading at his forehead, not that he noticed… At the hospital he had anger to hold on to. Now, it was pure fear. He had not mock control, he had nothing. Like a deer in the headlights, he couldn’t stop what was happening. Right before his body gave out, he was snapped out of his head as chills ran down his spine as he lost his breath. 

A piercing scream. 

_Dan_ , Phil thought, _no no no no._ On wobbly legs, Phil fought to stand and get over to Dan as quickly as he could. “DAN!” Phil yelled, finally reaching Dan. He had fallen out of the chair he was in and was on the floor holding his wrists close to his body with his knees pulled tightly in on himself. Phil reach out to touch Dan’s shoulder, but the second he made contact the scream returned. Dan was too frightened to open his eyes and just tried to get away from the source of pain. 

“Dan! What’s wrong?” Phil tried to reason with the screaming man in front of him that he barely recognized. “What happened? Dan! It’s me! It’s PHIL! DAN! I don’t know what to do, Dan, I’m sorry Dan… Oh god, what do I do.” Phil continued to mutter these things as Dan slowly calmed down. Focusing in on the soft, familiar voice. He was so confused. He associated that voice with softness, kindness. But it was coated in venom. Was his mind putting a filter on it or is the mask coming off? He _knew_ this voice wasn’t painful. 

“Dan? Dan are you ok? Please, tell me you are ok. “What do you need, please, Dan.” Phil snapped out of his panicking ranting by a touch on his face. He didn’t even realise he had been crying until Dan wiped a tear away from his cheek. 

“Why are you so upset?” Dan murmured in a spurt of awareness and worry for his friend. Then twisted as he pulled his hand away and tried to turn away without hurting himself more. “You’ve never been upset before.” Phil’s tears flowed harder at Dan’s words. _How could he think that?_

“Dan…” Phil tried to talk - but there was no sound. And there was no response. Dan had fallen asleep. Phil sat back on his heels and let out a long breath. He was so over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are quite a pair, eh? Please let me know your thoughts on where this is heading! I have a few different ideas and I'm worried that I'll pick the wrong one... I hope you enjoyed this short chapter. Hoping to have a nice long eventful one out soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what your thoughts are so far!  
> I'm not sure how long I'll write this one, possibly 10 lengthy chapters like this?  
> I have a lot of ideas and would love people's opinions :)


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